Siberian Misdemeanours - сибирский мисдиминоры

С Новым Годом

2004-12-31T03:40:00.000-08:00

С Новым Годом = Happy new year

От всей души поздравляю Вас с наступающими праздниками Рождества и Нового года!Я желаю Вам, Вашим родным и всем близким личного счастья, много любви, Сибирского здоровья, благоплучия и больших успехов во всех начинаниях!

Ot vsei dushi pozdravlayu vas s nastypayushimi prazdnikami roshdestva i novogo goda! Ya shelayu vam, bashim rodnim i svem blizkim lichnogo schastya, mnogo lyubi, sibirskovo zdroviya, blagoplychiya i bolshik uspechov vo vsech nachinaniyach!
is how you pronounce it

and this is what it means:
From the bottom of the heart I congratulate you all on the coming holidays of Christmas and New year! I wish you, your compatriots, and all relatives happiness for themselves, a lot of love, Siberian health, prosperity, and great successes in all undertakings!

Jahresbillanz- Sorry dont know how to say it in English

2004-12-31T01:58:00.000-08:00

Well this story sums up Russia quite well in 2004.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4114215.stm

The week when everyone is fat

2004-12-27T01:56:00.000-08:00

Hey!
Hope everyone had a nice Christmas and are looking forward to 2005. I am defiantly sure this will be the year we can go on holidays to the Moon; I mean 2005 just sounds so far in the future. Anyway, I had a normal non-Christmassy week until the weekend- more about that later. Dropped Anna to the airport (no easy thing in Russia) for her flight to Germany on Saturday and the next morning, well 3am in the night and another expedition to Tolmachevo “International” airport and I went with Mel(by taxi- remember this for later) for her flight to Moscow, both times I got stranded at the airport by minibuses breaking down. Had to sneak past the police at the entrance trying to avoid a passport check also. Anyway was a bit sad they had left but apart from the occasional power cut during the week, nothing much happened. Elizabeth (57, from France- stalking her Russian bit on the side and with either months to live or for ever- she is just waiting for the doctors in Germany to tell her if she has bone cancer I think) invited me for Christmas dinner- only thing I had to do was bring some alcohol and a red cabbage. Elizabeth lives in Germany (Cologne), has adopted the best of the French, and mashed it together with good old German efficiency, superficial, a romantic, tactless and a great cook as well as being good at making Christmas decorations and organising dinner parties. What more could you ask for at Christmas? Anyway, we were having duck with apple red cabbage (apfelrotkohl) pasta, potatoes, stuffing etc. I went to the Zentralny Supermarket on Lenin Street- the biggest and best-stocked supermarket in Novosibirsk, only rich Russians and foreigners shop there- they even take credit cards! And managed to get 1 of the 3 red cabbages in the city, for a bargain knock down price of 135roubles –about 4euro- obviously growing red cabbages is a sure way of making money here. Anyway got that and wine and vodka- anyway was going home on Christmas eve with my purchases and had to wait about 10 mins for a bus- I nearly died and my landing gear was fully retracted if you know what I mean, it was about -30. Anyway got home, defrosted myself, and watched “Fabrika Zvezd” - Star Factory with babushka and dedushka. (This is just for Anna and Mel who also know Fabrika- That girl with the long black hair won- she got an apartment in Moscow- Alla Pugachova presented it to her and sexy Ruslan won a BMW- not a choerny bymer but a nice blue colour bymer)

Anyway could not go to sleep on Christmas Eve because I was too excited, despite it not being Christmas here, fell asleep after about 2 hours. Got up the next morning and made my way to Elizabeth’s place, which is in the university campus- about an hour from the city. It was so weird to see on Christmas day people jut going about their normal business not even aware it was Christmas- I guess it is how Chinese people feel about Chinese new year in Ireland (although did we not get drunk at that last year in Solas?) Got off the minibus and had to walk 20 mins to Elizabeth’s in -30 which was ok for most of me- just not my nose and my legs- I only had a pair of jeans and long johns on so I had frozen thighs. It was beautiful though- snow so white, sky so blue- bla bla bla. Anyway we ate enough for a couple of months and drank far too much in Elizabeth’s and we even watched “Dinner for One” on DVD (Nur fuer die deutschen die diese Email erhalten) and although it is not New Years- ist aber egal. In addition, she had made Stolen- German Christmas cake. We had a great time and just ate drank and talked for about 8 hours, there was me, Liz, Josh from America, Misha from Russia and Katja from Germany, a few others dropped by but were probably appalled by the state we were in and made hasty exits. To be honest it was the best Christmas I have had away from home, and although the first, it was really nice- I realise that I just like the food and drink part of Christmas- not the actual family bit. So bloated and drunk we finished around midnight and I stayed with Misha. Next morning walked with Misha to the shops- poor guy had frozen eyelashes after 5 mins outside and then I went to Josh because we were planning to visit some kids for Stevens’s Day and give them presents for New Year (when their Grandfather Frost “Ded Moroz” comes to them). I was feeling a bit hung over from the vodka/wine mix of the day before so had to keep on asking in the bus “are we there yet.” The bus was going in the direction of the airport and a week earlier Mel had felt very ill on the exact same route- I unfortunately had no plastic bag with me- still kept everything down though. Anyway, first place we went to was a Children’s cancer hospital, most of the kids there were about 3 to 10 years old, some were happy to see us but others did not really have the energy to smile or be happy which considering many of them are dying is understandable. Hospital was not so bad- an old building but very warm and they had a lot of equipment donated from Germany about 12 years ago. Some of the kids were too weak to walk and just seamed to stare at us. After that, we went to an orphanage, quite small only about 15 Children and ranging from the ages of 2 to about 13, when they sat down they seamed to sit in order with the eldest at one end and slowly getting smaller down to the 2-year old. They were very happy to see us and it was the first time they had seen their New Years tree (like our Christmas tree) one girl in particular seamed completely in awe that it was New Years almost. So we played some games with them, sang songs, and then gave out their presents- one kid was really cute- Serjousha, 5 years old, and the most excited kid in the whole world. So before more Children are brought into this world remember there are lots of kids with no parents who would just love a home and a family, especially in countries such as China and of course Russia. So went home then after that and told babushka and dedushka about the weekend, they were very curious about the “Catholic” Christmas as they call it and don’t really understand why we don’t just do it on New Years like everyone else (as in Russia then!)

Anyway, that is all from me apart from the taxi I got to the airport with Mel- same driver drove us to the orphanage and wanted to say hi to her and to have a happy new year, still can’t open the back door though! Small world. Miss you all and hope to be seeing lots of you some time in 2005, only 11 more days in Russia!!!!!

Ot vsei dushi pozdravlayu vas s nastypayushimi prazdnikami roshdestva i novogo goda! Ya shelayu vam, bashim rodnim i svem blizkim lichnogo schastya, mnogo lyubi, sibirskovo zdroviya, blagoplychiya i bolshik uspechov vo vsech nachinaniyach!

I would do it in Russian letters but none of you will learn them- arghhh.

From the bottom of the heart I congratulate you all on the coming holidays of Christmas and New year! I wish you, your compatriots, and all relatives happiness for themselves, a lot of love, Siberian health, prosperity, and great successes in all undertakings!
So now the festive season can really kick off- New year on the 31st/1st Russian Christmas on the 7th and Old New year on the 14th (before the calendar was changed!)

Nothing to say- I'm depressed

2004-12-20T01:55:00.000-08:00

No news this week apart from busses breaking down and I’m a bit sick etc etc etc, just wanted to wish everyone a merry Christmas and happy new year- I am having duck stuffed with apple for Christmas dinner thanks to Elizabeth from France, have to work Christmas eve and the 27th though :-( have a nice time, Robbie

Nearly Christmas!!!!! (Not here though)

2004-12-13T01:53:00.000-08:00

Hello,
I hope everybody is well. Not much news here, still snowy but not really so cold, only -17 this morning but it felt like +5 in Ireland. I had Monday off work because of “Constitution Day” on Sunday which was nice- when I said it to dedushka (the Russian Granddad) he said “What constitution?” and I said your constitution and he just grumbled and muttered something. Not widely celebrated, just by all the places that you would need to have open such as banks etc. I was thinking recently that nothing bad has really happened to me since I came back to Russia- which is worrying because I only have 4 weeks left here and I am afraid that something bad might happen. Mel the American girl had her wallet (with credit cards) and digital camera stolen out of her bag on the bus on Saturday, fortunately they did not take her passport which in Russia would have been the biggest nightmare and there are hardly any shops in Novosibirsk that take credit cards and she did not have much cash but she misses her digital camera. So after she cancelled her cards there was not much she could do. There is little point in going to the police here, they are either useless or corrupt or both. I also never mentioned the plight of Damian from South Africa who left to go home 2 weeks ago. He had to fly from here to Moscow and then onwards, when he was checking in for his flight to London from Moscow they told him he could not leave Russia because his visa (for Russia) was not in order. So after staying here since last February he was sent back to Novosibirsk to fix the problem, he ended up being in Russia an extra week before he was able to get out. Only in this bloody country will they make it more difficult to leave the country as a foreigner than get in. I felt a bit bad because when he was saying goodbye to us the last time, he said something like “Well I’m leaving Russia now” and I said something to the effect of “You are not out until you go past immigration in Moscow” - should have kept my mouth shut. Speaking of people leaving, another foreigner left on Saturday- Stefan from Germany, who one had the sense that he never actually used money- he was one of those people who just did not need it- his camper van in Germany is converted to run on vegetable oil or something like that and he was always claims insurance for his “hiking equipment” which always goes “missing” anytime he is in Russia which enables him to pay for flights. They only hurdle he could not overcome was the fact that he was not given BaFOeG (German student grant) for the time he was here because they only pay it if you are in the European part of Russia- I felt a bit sorry for him when he told me but not anymore- chances are he was swindling them also. Anyway it was his leaving party on Friday night but we went to a Mexican restaurant beforehand. (I am giving the impression that we went for him but we went without him, just a couple of us) This was a) quite a shock to find in Siberia b) very good and c) completely wonderful because I forgot for 2 hours I was here! We really went because Andy and Carrie (two “volunteers” i.e. CIAers) were going back home after being here for about a month. Basically all foreigners here are thought of by each other as potential spies but these 2 were especially dubious, being American and unable to describe what exactly they were doing here. But very nice people, Carrie was very funny, dirty minded and a bit of an alcoholic and Andy was good at fixing things (handy in Russia) and a little bit cute, well very nice really. Anyway Stefan was on the Aeroflot flight that leaves at 6 in the morning which means you have to leave at 3 in the night (no automatic check in kiosks in Tolmachevo Airport yet and I’m not keeping my fingers crossed either) but Andy and Carrie were on Siberian Airlines in the evening so we could have breakfast with them and give them a hug goodbye- Carrie gave me an electric shock because of her nylon top and Andy gave a very very long nice hug also (not just to me though- to all of us). Anyway after a couple of hours of delay they were heading on their way to Moscow and all its big glitzy sights and ultimately, home for Christmas. Saturday evening- feeling a little tired after the party the night before I went for dinner with Mel, Elizabeth (the old one from France) and Marina (from Uzbekistan I think- although that is the least remarkable thing about this thing) we went to Jilie Bilie Russian restaurant which is so cute inside and all the staff are in traditional Russian costumes (it is a bit Disney like) and when we left it was snowing and everything seamed so nice, then Me and Mel said goodbye to the other two (I will be spending Christmas with Elizabeth and a duck as we are the only foreigners here who like a drink and will be staying for Christmas) So we went back to Anna’s place to watch a movie- at the weekends I move in with Anna because of the grandparents getting too repressive for me. So we watched a very scary movie which I did not like because I am a girl when it comes to things like that, so I spent most of the time under a blanket. Anyway as a Christmas present for Mel, Anna and Grig (my washing machine saviour) I brought them to a Russian musical on Sunday afternoon called NEP (New Economic Plan)- not what one might think of as the most exiting title for a musical but it really was great, set in the 1920’s and very very soviet (even Stalin was in it) with lots of dancing and some really great songs- beets Andrew L Weber any day. Went for a pint in the Irish bar on Lenin Street afterwards and then went home and invited Marina (from above) and Misha (nice Russian guy) to watch a video as well as drink. We watched Wild Things- which we should have known with Marina around was a mistake, for you see Marina is a sex crazed bisexual 20 year old from Uzbekistan who’s mission in life is to convert everyone to bisexuality, preferably by force. So her victims that night were Mel and me. After watching that video we ended up playing strip spin the bottle which got a bit scary after awhile, poor Mel had to kiss her for 1 minute and I had to lick Anna’s tit- even scarier than the video from the night before. You will unfortunately not be getting the photos from that evening attached in this email. (Unrelated) We bought these huge 3 liter jars of juice from the supermarket which were dirt cheap, unfortunately when we got home we could not open them because you need a special utensil to do it, so we had to drill a hole in the lid, equalise the pressure and them pull of the lid- most difficult thing I have ever done, like opening a tin without a tin opener -took about 15 minutes, but it was very good juice- just tasted like mashed up apples, anyway on Monday night we all drank a little too much of this juice and the resulting colonic explosions were heard by all in poor Anna’s badly ventilated apartment. So that was my weekend- as I said nothing new or interesting here, same old miserable life! I am only here for 24 more days and only 12 of them are work days! Hope you’re all not sick of Christmas by now, no decorations here really- bit sad!

Robbie

Altai Mountains

2004-12-06T01:51:00.000-08:00

I have to warn you- this is a long one- even for me, you will need about 10 mins.

Hiya All!

I have had the most fab time this week- reminds me that Russia is in fact an amazing country with amazing people. Well the week started off mild as ever- about 0C but then it got real cold, one night it was in the high 20s! (As in minus 20s). They don’t say if it is minus anymore they just say on the weather forecast, tomorrow, 16 to 18 and you should know by now they are talking about minus. It is however bearable and not so bad apart from lips, although if it goes much below -30 I will tell you all about it. It is funny to see dogs who have picked up bits of snow on their fur and start to look like chandeliers, you can even hear the ice jingling about on them- very cute but then I’m not the one covered in ice. Last Wednesday (the first day of big cold) I went with 4 Americans (I couldn’t get a word in edgeways) and an Australian for dinner in a Georgian restaurant (not from the 17th century or specialising in food from Atlanta either). I now understand why Stalin (from Gerogia) was a bit grumpy at times. They had the most uncomfortable chairs I have ever sat on, and I have been to primary school in Ireland so I know what I am talking about. It appeared if they had a hole in the middle for you to do your business whilst eating- very efficient but not what you really want at the table. Anyway apart from half those eating getting their food about an hour after the first half (hey it’s Russia- be glad you are getting food before the place closes for the night) it was nice although I had a kebab- seams like every culture has adopted them which looked like a giant poo or brown penis depending on what you are thinking about at the time - was tasty though. And a nice bottle of Georgian wine to wash it down. I did not tell my geriatric flatmates I was eating in a restaurant because earlier in the week they told me how terrible it was that Russians are spending their money on cars and holidays and restaurants when they should be doing cross country skiing (ARGHHH) and going to the theatre. So I told them my boss and his Georgian wife invited me to dinner. I had even written down on a piece of paper what I had eaten to prove it to them but they asked about the size of the apartment of my boss, what ages where his kids etc. Fortunately my shit Russian gave me enough thinking time to come up with plausible lies although I don’t know if 4 room apartments exist in Russia-upps. So that night made the week nice and short although I had to be home before 10- a bit like Cinderella. Although it was so bloody cold I ran from the bus stop to the door of my building.

So Friday we set off for Altai, bye bye to the seniors for the weekend and said “see ya Tuesday” as I ran away. Altai as you all know by now, is the mountainous region that forms the Border with east Kazakhstan, North West China and Mongolia (and of course Russia). So we tried to get a taxi there (it is about 500km south) because we heard this was the easiest way to do it and not that expensive- about 800 roubles (25euro) however when the taxi driver asked for 15000 roubles (450euro) we thought he was driving a hard bargin (and possibly driving a limo also) so we ended up getting the bus for about 400 roubles- not too bad and it would only take 9 hours- in Russia you get used to long journeys, 9 hours on a bus is nothing to me now. So we hung around at the dingy bus station and then got on the overnight bus to Chemal, in the Altai Republic (a bit more independent from Moscow then a normal bit of Russia- Chechenya is the same). I get very giddy when I travel- it is all the new things so I could not sleep and had my face glued to the window for most of the time or the ear of the person sitting next to me. So travelling through the frozen landscape of Siberia in heavy snow was fun, it was a chilly -20 when we left Novosibirsk but the further south we went the warmer it got, one place was -11 and I rolled up the sleeves of my jumper on our once-in-3-hours-piss/food-break, basking in the tepidness of it all. So we left at 10 and we arrived at the place at 7 in the morning, with no passport checks along the way which was good. We arrived in a village called Manjerok (God, mix up those letters, add 2 Fs and see what you come up with) and we were met by a local boy called Andrej (the first of many) The place had a Craggy Island in Fr. Ted feel to it, and Andrej was our Fr. Dougel, although a bit foxier. He would look into your eyes and you were not too sure if he misunderstood you or was curious about you- that kind of guy, but very nice and he kept coming back to our house every 15 minutes to keep our fire burning- in more ways then one.

So after arriving at 7am and after a bit of Muesli (western style- without the butter, salt and boiling) we all went to bed but I was too excited to sleep so I read the Altai section of “Lonely Planet Russia & Belarus” which made me a bit scared. Altai people (the natives) are Mongolians and as with all Orientals react badly to alcohol, however that does not stop them outdrinking the Russians which gives the place a pretty Wild West bandit atmosphere. Apparently they are a bit dangerous if they have been drinking which is more or less all the time. Scary natives. Anyway we then got up about 12 and went to the local shop to get some food and then went on a walk to meet Andrej’s grandfather who I think was called Pjoter but I am not sure, anyway a real Mountain Man and we walked up to his little mountain hut (about an hours walk up the mountain) which had no electricity- so quaint. And we ate and drank there and Pjoter took a fancy to Iris from Hong Kong which was funny to watch! He is the one with the huge beard in the photos. Very nice and friendly old man with a lovely cat and dog. So that night we walked back down the mountain in the dark and started to drink a bit of vodka and this great drink- it was not vodka but still 40% made with honey and chillies- yum yum- worked for me anyway and we were all a bit tipsy by about 9pm and in bed by 12 (after a bit of Irish dancing instruction- “arms staaaaaaight, knees hiiiiiger one, two three, one, two, three”).

So we had decided that day that the next day (Sunday) we would hire an Andrej (a local, for they all bear that name) to drive us up into the more remote parts of the Katun Valley. The Katun is one of the worlds great rafting rivers, although winter is probably the low season. So he collected us in what I can only describe as the van from Scooby Doo, so we all piled into the Mystery Machine and went on a 7 hour drive. Further up the valley it gets very dry (I think it looked like a desert but the Americans said I was wrong- it was like a mix of Colorado and Arizona according to them) so there was no or very little snow and even though it was definitely below 0C you could not see your breath. It was really an amazing place and we stopped in some scary villages along the way. The villages here have outdoor toilets and it seams that some of them have just one outdoor toilet for the whole village, usually a 3 min walk up the hill in the dark. There is a reason for this that I will explain later. No lights inside the huts but you can smell where you should be aiming for. I also spotted some natives from the van who may have been drinking. One had an axe in his hand and just fell backwards into a ditch while his friend tried to pull him out also got pulled in- funny to watch from a speeding van but I was glad not to be there. So Andrej our driver showed us some rock drawings from 5000 years ago and the usual myths and legends about the river being a spirit etc. etc. etc. Now as you all know by now Russians do not pee, drink or eat when travelling- regardless of the duration of the journey. Andrej (during the 7 or 8 hours) only had a cigarette ever so often while the rest of us were worried about burst bladders. (A scene that would repeat itself on the 9 hour bus journey home where I had to avail of the wide rim facilities of an empty bottle of Nestea Ice Tea). Anyway it was a great day and it was only 250 roubles each which I though was good value. So we were all absolutely starving on the way back and stopped in the Greasy Spoon Caf in Chemal (I think all the places looked very similar- one road and scary natives) So I had a big feed and then about 15 natives came in and sat down all around us and started staring and then taking bottles of vodka out of their jackets and drinking- Arghhhhh, why did I read the bloody Lonely Planet? As is obligatory with Russia they were all in camouflage outfits which made them look like even scarier! Just think drunk Gengis Khan and you have the idea. So we all left there before they started to talk to us thank god! The road that we travelled on up the valley ran out about 2/3rds of the way along and was only a dirt track- very bumpy which combined with high pressure on the bladder and excessive laughter had some interesting effects. The main reason we were laughing is that Mel (the New Yorker) has a big giant-anti-Siberian-coldness coat with fur around the hood, just like my one. However, when she left her coat in the cloakroom at the university, some of the fur was cut off, not much- just a little bit, but really cut off which makes you wonder “Why?” anyway if you are behind her you cant stop laughing because you imagine some disgruntled Russian cloakroom woman going “I’ll show that fancy American bitch” as she lays into the fur with a pair of scissors. We now call it the Sinead (as in O’ Connor) jacket. Anyway we had really reached the end of civilisation when we passed the village of Kuyuz. Great time had by all.

So Monday morning we get the bus back to Novosibirsk, I was all set with food, liquid and an empty bottle just in case. Just before we left though everyone in the house had used the indoor toilet to its full extent and committed the hideous crime (in Russia) of flushing toilet paper down the toilet to where it got blocked and started to overflow, as this is happening and I am panicking, Andrej walks in. So we tried to clean up as best we could and then left him to take over, on leaving to walk to the bus stop we noticed the outdoor toilet- arghhh if only we had known. In Russia you should not flush toilet paper down the toilet. I mean by this not just toilet paper you blow your nose with or wipe a bit of toothpaste off the sink with. I mean ALL toilet paper, including for what it is primarily used for. So you just deposit it into a little bin beside the loo- horrid and disgusting so all westerners here just say “Fuck it- hopefully it won’t block today” and flush it away. However 6 westerners in one house was a recipe for disaster. So, on the bus back- at the first pee break 4 hours into the journey we get out and all sink into about 3 foot of snow. It had, it seems, been snowing everywhere heavily all weekend, so we all went into the hut to pee. I am so glad I am not a girl because a0 I don’t know how they hover over the holes dug in the ground and b) how they can let themselves get so close to something so disgusting. One thing we all appreciate here in Siberia is washing machines and toilets. Anyway the journey back got slower and slower because of the snow getting deeper and deeper. I even saw snow plows being pulled out of the snow by tractors- that is bad. So we got off the bus and virtually disappeared into the snow. About 40cm fell over the weekend (on top of what was there). We went back to Anna’s (from Germany) apartment and looked at the 500 pictures we took over the weekend. Robbie

Siberia is too warm :-(

2004-11-29T01:49:00.000-08:00

Hello Everybody!

I hope you are all well and surviving in sub artic Ireland- my mother informed there was some snow the other day at home – first time in 3 years- way hey- get your skis out! And those who made it out of the country in time, I hope your all well also, especially Paul and Catherine- I’m looking forward to seeing you both soon. It has been a long week followed by an even longer weekend. Another girl who lives with a geriatric noticed, that like me there was a couple of kilos of garlic in the fridge. (You know the fruit and veg drawer down the bottom- well one of those full to the brim with garlic). We had both wondered what exactly was the Russian desire for that oh so sweet smelling vegetable (is it a vegetable?). Anyway this girl, Mel was feeling a bit sick on Monday so her babushka put the garlic in her room, everywhere- she even tried to get her to eat it- raw and on its own. Maybe it is a cruel way to keep others away from you and so prevent the spread of contagious diseases!
Unfortunately the company I will be working for in Austria has set me one of the most difficult tasks there possibly is to do in Russia. They sent me my contract by espress registered mail about 4 weeks ago, so I told them it had not arrived, could it be sent by email and she (Frau Daum- Catherine you are right- she is a bitch) gave me the number of the letter and said to ask at my local post office. If my letter is anywhere, I can guarantee it is not in my local post office. I plan for about an hour of queuing, asking, going to another queue, asking and going to another queue etc. In a country where transferring money through the banks can take up to a month (that is why my company’s latest hair brain invention is called “Eastern Union” except it will only work in hotels- well done Bacup IT) a letter can really be anywhere except where it is supposed to be. Next weekend all things not going to plan I should be going to Altai. Yes I thought you never heard of them either. They are higher than the Alps (a good few peeks over 4500m) and about 40 times colder. They sort of form the border with eastern Kazakhstan, and northwest China and Mongolia. It is not so far away- about 6 of 7 hours by bus I think (I hope). However I am still passportless, it being in Ekaterinburg (1250km west) being registered (I have not had my passport since November 1) and Russia is not the best place to be without your passport permanently within 15cm of your crotch for safe keeping. So hope fully it will be nice, not too cold (as in not below -25) and I won’t have any problems. I will be going with Anna from Germany, perhaps Iris from Hong Kong, and Mel, Andy and Carrie (not the one from Sex in the City) from the United States of America. I never thought I could get along with Americans but they are very nice, although Americans in Siberia are hardly representative of that nation. As you know I can’t afford to go home for Christmas, so think of me as you gorge yourself on turkey, ham, cake and pudding and dangerous amounts of alcohol. They don’t really celebrate Christmas here but for New Year I will be going away with work to a sanatorium (best place for them if you ask me). Well in Russia a sanatorium is a bit like a holiday hospital (Kur I guess in German, in English speaking world we don’t have such things for obvious reasons, holiday = holiday, not pain). So skiing and billiards is promised, I am only there for the drink, which shall be copious I hope. I have noticed chtjat cher ahre jno people from gjholland in thish harea. Which is a shame because they are always fun to take the piss there out of as well as being good drinkers of shit beer. Oh I forgot- last Monday was my babushkas birthday- 73! This is an age which for Russians would be like 100 for us, life expectancy is quite low in Russia (about 57 for men I think) so she is a venerable dinosauritchka. I keep hoping though that the two of them won’t pop their corks while I’m there- I have nothing to wear for a funeral). Anyway I came home on Monday after washing my clothes after work (and watching some porn- I don’t understand either) and they were getting a bit tipsy on the vodka, so I had 2 shots and eat up the leftovers. It was also my boss’s birthday that day so this was my third slice of birthday cake. Fat bastard. Well that was the week and then on Friday I went and got a bit drunk at the leaving party for Damian from South Africa, so that was nice until his prostitute arrived to “take care of him” Then on Saturday we hall vent zou Elizabeth form France four hay special Zhanksgiving dinnear. That was great, although with just one real American I am not sure how realistic it was, anyway we actually had a turkey which cost 800 roubles (about €25) in the special foreigners shop in the centre of the city as well as sweetcorn, potatoes, cranberry sauce, apple tart etc, stuffing, real gravy etc etc etc. So for me it was just like Christmas, although Elizabeth (who drank a bottle of vodka the night before to get over her rather depressing life) was a bit up tight about every thing. Still had a good time- real lack of alcohol though.
plastic card. Then on Sunday the English club at the university (for lovers of the English language, not a group of Brits) had their thanksgiving- so it really was Christmas- 2 huge dinners in two days in a row! And I can’t look at turkey for about 3 months now. Anyway we were the only ones who brought alcohol with us and managed to get a bit merry (which is hard not to when you are surrounded by weird, strange, odd, possibly psychotic Russians who are members of the English club). So afterwards we had to play “games” like I have Never etc, which are fine because the point about these games is to find out what are your sexual interests- not with a bunch of sober Russians. “I have never climbed a mountain”, “I have never been to Kazakhstan”, “I have never walked without having both my shoelaces tied”. And then came the “I have never taken drugs”. So 3 out of the 5 foreigners had done 10 things by now so as our punishment we had to answer what drugs we had taken. This, whilst being a bit tipsy created a very bad image of westerners. To add to the surrealist nature of the evening, we were in a windowless room, with no fresh air and the ballroom dancing association was practicing in the next room, a mixture of drunkenness, asphyxiation, claustrophobia and the foxtrot had some interesting psychotic effects. I wanted to stay with Anna again on Sunday (and not go back to babushka and dedushka where lights out is at 22:30) so I rang them but then I thought I rang my old apartment, but I did not, and then my battery went dead and then I just got Andy from America (a very nice former Christian Scientist- I am not sure if you use capitals) whose Russian is so good to ring, first my babushka thought he was coming to visit- she was probably a bit sad to hear their adopted son would be spending another night away from his “just short enough to annoy you” bed. That is all from me, I hope to make it to Altai and back without having to pay too many bribes. Photos are of Thanksgiving over the weekend, till next week…
Robbie

By the way it is ridiculously warm here- 0 for the last week, it is colder in Moscow! All foreigners here are sweating like whores in churches but the Russians just say- wait and it will be cold- we will see.

2004-11-22T01:45:00.000-08:00

Oh I had such a nice weekend that is all I can say. I hope all of you graduates (well as it done and dusted are we not post-graduates? Revise the CVs!) had a nice time and did not spew your food all over Sosume. I had another boring week at work but matters were moving rather in the wrong direction when they were including me in their plans to go to a German trade fair next March (I can see Dagmar’s eyes light up with envy) So I gave them my resignation letter telling them the Alps are calling me and a salary (paid in Euros) was too much for me to stay in Siberia. I felt a bit sorry for them but they have survived for 14 years so I don’t think I had a huge impact on any of their ridiculously inefficient and incompetent management practices. They will continue to survive because it’s Russia so they can make their money from even worse run Russian companies. Nothing interesting happened Monday to Friday apart from me getting to use a modern washing machine. That will be happening (fingers crossed) again tonight. So Friday I went to bed early then Saturday morning I went to see Anna- (the girl from Germany who has a habit of losing her knickers in bed with odd boys.) Her boss from Switzerland was here for a few days. Well all I can say is, no I can’t even say it- words are not enough to describe him- absolutely perfect- in every possible way. Although he has a girlfriend in Switzerland that did not stop me and an American girl making complete and utter fools of ourselves (well me more than her) by being extra-friendly to him. So Saturday night we went to an Australian boy’s party. Wish it was an Australian boys party- but hey you cant have everything. We had a small bottle of vodka and some beer with dinner before we went- and really it is true- you can’t not finish a bottle of vodka here, it is impossible. Anyway we were more than merry when we got there- after stopping off in the shop to get a bit more vodka and sok (juice). So we arrive at this party- it was very full- you could tell by the amount of shoes in the hall of the apartment. And within 5 seconds we have lost the bottle of vodka and the sok. This kind of sobered me up, as even though I don’t remember paying for it, I felt it was mine. Anyway it appeared after Me, Anna, Mel and the swiss guy all started to look a bit disappointed that our big bottle had been finished of by some Russians in about 30 seconds flat. So got pissed basically. It was a nice party and really the Russians cheered up when they sang (twice in a row) Soyuz nerroscheme respublik sobotnik, yes that old favourite- the Soviet national anthem. I understand how hard it is for them to learn the Russian anthem as it is the same music as the Soviet one, and most of the words are the same, but it would be like if there was a new version of “happy birthday” – same music but new words, you would just sing the old version. They really love it- they all through their hands up in the air and have big grins on their faces. Which for Russia is a seldom sight. One girl at the party- Marina is her name, well we called her “die Schlampe” gave me a big hug and she looked very happy about it- for me it was a reaffirmation of my sexual orientation. Sorry Schlampe but your sluty short skirt and horrid make-up do nothing for me. Early in the day she was (as far as I remember) in a leopard print jump suit. That was at a lecture held by Mel (the big noisy American) on American politics. Anyway that slut tried to sleep with the host of the party- and his Japanese girlfriend was there- nasty. Anyway I went home to Anna’s, Mr. Switzerland walked me home (well he was staying there also) I was meant to sleep in Anna’s bed with her but another boy beat me to it so it was the sofa for me. Sunday morning I woke up with the sorest head I have had in a long time, it was so so so so so sore, and I had only had beer and vodka and a cocktail thing. So we went for a walk to the sea. (Well the Ob sea, it is just a big lake but in Russia big lakes are about the size of small European countries) It has already frozen over so we went for a walk on it. I could see Russians far away doing ice fishing so I thought it must be thick enough to walk on- they did not get about 1km out onto the ice by helicopter. But still you are never sure of walking on ice- and it is only November. So me and Anna held on to each other as we walked very slowly across the ice. I remember from Berlin it is a bit scary walking on ice, no matter how thick it is- well the problem is you can’t really see how thick it is. My guess is more than 15cm your ok. Anyway we were kind of on a little iceberg and I wanted to see how thick the ice between the little icebergs was. All I can say is not very thick. I only fell about 5 cm into the water because I was holding on to Anna- still I think I will wait until December before walking on the lake again. The Russians know the right ways so they are ok. So nothing to do until Friday when it is a South African boy’s leaving party then French Elizabeth is organising a Thanksgiving Party Saturday, I bet she does great food- “but chwith ze horrid produce havailable er in ze supermarche” she will have a challenge to say the least. Anyway that is all from me- I miss you all- some more than others. 47 days to Austria!!!!!!

PS I promise when I get to Austria I wont send annoying emails once a week.

Not long left for me!

2004-11-15T01:43:00.000-08:00

Well here I am again- alive and still feeling the “burn” from skiing. More about that later. Well not much news this week, I have made some new foreigner friends (I think) from the United States, Germany and, ehm a 57 year old Franch woman married to a German who has run off to Siberia to follow the guy she had an affair with. Elizabeth* (you have to say it with the accent) really has to be seen to be believed, she is as French as they come but speaks German also and teaches languages here. Well Friday night we went to Anna (from Germany) for a big heart attack German dinner party. They tried their best to make Wiener schnitzel & potatoes (bratkartof.) but with a bit of a lack of variety of meet in the supermarket it became Rinderfleishschnitzel (Beef Schnitzel for all of you who said Nein to German). So ate that all weekend long as they had made enough to feed an army. Anyway I have to tell you about Ahhlizzaahbethh, she is a very young looking 57 year old, however you would notice she is a bit of a more mature camembert than the rest of us beaujolais nouveaus. She has a husband in Germany, a house and kids (the son is good lucking but the daughter, you know ow it iz with ze girls- she iz as oglie az a dog) according to Elizabeth herself. Anyway she had an affair with a Russian who was living in Germany for a few years; anyway the husband found out but after the Russian guy (Nikolai) had come back to Siberia. So despite Nikolai telling Elizabeth not to come here (as like all Russian men who are not gay- he has a wife and kids) what does she do? Jump on the first plane heading east. Now she is a bit upset as Nikolai has told her nothing will be happening and she is kind of stuck here in Siberia “sans l'homme”. Anyway nice woman who has no tact or diplomacy what so ever!

Life with babushka and dedushka (granny and granddad) is progressing on interestingly. Babushka loves to wind up granddad a lot of the time, speaking of which they are fastidious about time- they have about two loudly ticking clocks in each room and in their kitchen there are two normal clocks AND a cuckoo clock. They are forever going on how they have worked for 100 years and their pension is nothing and they keep the remote control for the TV in its original little plastic bag that it came in (a bit like plastic kept on the car seats). They had their first introduction last week to a strange food called Muesli. Babushka actually read everything that what written on the packet out loud- took her a good five minutes. Anyway they could hardly even pronounce it (it was in Russian letters) let alone comprehend it. They thought that it should be boiled and served with a load of butter and salt. I explained that cold milk would be enough but the next morning when I got up there was a little pot on the cooker with the salt and butter beside it. I think they must believe I am totally unable to live on my own. I went for a lie on my bed last evening and babushka comes in, pats me on the head and says something along the lines of “have a good sleep little one” Thursday was the “Day of the Militia” the militia are our ever friendly, ever helpful police force who normally wear army combat jump suit things. Joke: A guy from the militia is on “who wants to be a millionaire” and it’s the first question. The presenter says “100 euro question, what” but the Militia guy interrupts him and says “A 100 euro question? That is easy- Documents please!” ok bad joke but it reflects the reality of the situation. I watched a 4 hour concert on TV celebrating the militia, it was quite good, Vlad Putin was there (I think he smiled at one point) Yeltsin was there also, looking very healthy, relatively sober and in good humour- he got lots of kisses from some of the female performers. So that was an improvement on the normal 2 regional news and 3 national news programmes I get to watch a night.

Anyway I went skiing on Saturday, not the nice downhill variety- no the torturous cross country variety. So there was also a Russian bitch there that had everything matching (apart from her scarf) and was far better than we were and she was smiling the whole time- arghh. Anyway we got to the Liegenaya Baza (skiing base), very glamorous it was too, kind of done in the half built soviet style. Got our shoes and skis, the shoes were remarkably like bowling shoes and were low cut so you could get a lot of snow around your ankles. To keep you cool you see, for cross country skiing is probably one of the sweatiest things possible to do when there is snow on the ground. It is so much hard work, I now have a new respect for all those old people you see sometimes at ski resorts who just do cross country- I thought they were boring but they are incredibly fit and perhaps a bit psyco. Anyway after an hour of tourture we made it back- I had to take them off for the last third and walk- no more. I have been in serious pain- especially around the groin area and calves. Mel- a girl from the States who is not quite Olympic standard also, described it as like being fucked- violently. Anyway I still can’t really walk without looking like I have been fucked the whole weekend long so maybe my workmates will have a new found respect for me now. Great excuse though if you have been fucked- “Oh no- I was just doing a bit of cross country at the weekend” We all looked stoned afterwards and only started to wake up a bit after some vodka and terrible Russian TV(not transvestite but television) porn but made in England (could you have a worse combination) Anyway I will send some photos of me in the snow on skis soon. That is all the news from here- only 52 days until I move to Austria!!!!!!

*is actually her real name

still cant sms a load of people- sorry

if you want to know the weather where I am click on the link:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/weather/5day.shtml?world=2465

Last October Revolution Day-Ever!!!!!

2004-11-09T01:40:00.000-08:00

So hello everybody from cold cold Siberia. I know I should not complain about it, I knew it would be cold but I actually got brain freeze walking outside yesterday, and I was wearing a hat, scarf, big jacket, big coat, jeans and ski pants as well as two pairs of socks. The only part of me that was actually cold was my face. It was -12 (in the day) last night was -16 but I was in my apartment/sauna. Central heating really works here! So there is also a pile of snow everywhere, even yesterday it was sunny but because it was so cold snowflakes form about 20 meters off the ground, so it is sunny but snowing, very pretty. Me and a bunch of crazy foreigners (an American, a South African and an Australian- exactly what made an Australian come to Siberia is beyond me) are going to try and rent skis next weekend and try some skiing even though the Russians think it is far too warm to ski now. I love the snow though, I really do. I had Monday (yesterday) off work because Sunday was the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution (8. Nov). Why is October revolution in November, well they changed the calendar from a Russian one to a western one after the revolution which meant everything moved by about 2 weeks. So Sunday morning my Russian Granny and Granddad wake me up at about 8 in the morning to bring me to see the demonstration. It was actually quite interesting, loads of USSR flags, even people holding up pictures of Stalin himself (and we all thought he was evil!) and lots of people singing “soyuz neroshemye respublik svobotnik…..” (USSR anthym) so it was a great opportunity to get some real Russian photos. Speaking of Granny and Granddad (aka Lyudmila Dimitrovna and Boris Pavlevich) life with them is never dull, even if it does finish before 11:00 each night. They are really into Russian pop music and love comedies on TV so they are not the worst people to live with, it is funny to see 70 year olds nearly piss themselves with laughter (and at that age it might just happen). They are very kind to me and I think they are trying to make sure I wont get out of Russia because the amount of food they give me (and I’m a big eater) is enough to get me barred from all but US based airlines. I buy my own food and cook my own meals but there are always some leftovers and she puts them on little plates and gives them to me one at a time and gets me to try them so by the end I have had more leftovers than my own food. I think I have put on about half a stone in a week. This issue will have to be resolved soon. They also wash all my clothes by hand, iron them, any little holes in my trousers have now been sown up and my room is cleaned every day. If I even move in the apartment I am asked “Budish Chai?” (Do you want tea?) I say politely Niet but then they say “Cho Niet?” (What do you mean no!) so it is easier for me just to say ok and accept defeat. Niet is a word they are not too familiar with. They also like to know my exact whereabouts all of the time and exactly what time I will be home at which is a bit annoying but they are scared I will be kidnapped or something. Anyway I will only be living with them for another 8 weeks and then I’ll be off to Austria. Another thing- they keep on getting muddled up between Ireland, Iceland and Greenland. Iceland and Ireland sound similar in Russian but they know we have no snow so sometimes they ask me questions about Greenland and I’m “No no it’s Ireland I’m from” Anyway they were telling me that between them they have worked for 100 years and their pension is about €7 (I think but then Russian numbers are not one of my strong points in the language) And my phone has gone a little odd. I cant text O2 in Ireland (thank god say some of you) or Paul Brogan in Austria, don’t know why it just always says message not delivered. Its Russia anyway so who am I to ask? So that is all for this week, will tell you next week how skiing went.

Robbie

ps, the Great October Socialist Revolution was cancelled by the Duma (Russian Parliament) later in 2004 and willno longer be a public holiday

??th Week in Siberia - i lost count

2004-11-01T01:36:00.000-08:00

Just when you thought you had not got a big long boring email from that spa in Russia….. I’m back in this odd place, suppose I’m a bit odd myself for going back but as ever Russia does not fail to entertain with its weird and wonderful way of life (if you can call it that). My life here has taken a turn (for better or worse we will wait and see). I now have a new place to live but I share the apartment with what are referred to in Russian as a babushka and dyedushka- a granny and granddad. Anyway I flew all the way from Frankfurt to Novosibirsk- no stops in shitty Moscow airports, it takes about 7 and a half hours but I had a row of 3 seats to myself so I went for a snooze after dinner. You could recognise foreigners on the plane by the shear look of fright on their faces as we took off, as good as Russian planes are, they still get the heart beating faster especially when the airline was one that was involved in the terrorist attacks in August (Siberia Airlines). Anyway arriving in Novosibirsk was fine, if a little chilly at -8C and all I had was a light jacket but after quickly moving inside the terminal I cleared passport control, internal immigration, customs and security no problem and was soon on my way into town. The place looks so much better with snow; it feels all Christmasy even though it is only November. Anyway the warmest it has gotten since I have been here is about -3 so I think winter is here to stay. My new place where I live is about a 5 minute walk from where I live and seing as I only have a room there the rent is only about €55 a month, 4th floor, my room is fine, decorated in classic communistic chic (floral patterns with garish browns and oranges that have faded only slightly). My new “flatmates” are type 1 Russian pensioners. Type 1’s are poor and miss communism. Type 2’s are poor and believe the Russian Orthodox Church will save the world. I prefere type 1’s- they know how to have a good time, let their hair down (if there is any left) and hopefully will be less interested in paring me up with any female relation under the age of 30 who is not yet married. This morning they came into my room to wake me up- the two of them, a bit strange but I guess they are just curious. They told me it was 8 degrees outside and to wrap up well. Me, still a bit sleepy and in shock at having two geriatrics looming over me in bed asked them “Plus 8?” They just laughed. They only speak Russian which is hard for me because after a days work the last thing you want is an oral exam in Russian. I used up all my phrases last night so I don’t know what I will do tonight. Anyway they don’t have a washing machine unfortunately so I am on the hunt for friendly people with a siemens/samsung/electrolux/bosch baby (Grig- I am talking about you basically). Oh speaking of boys- when I was in Frankfurt I went to a bar in the afternoon, well probably about midday to be honest ( I was trying to prepare myself for the 6 hour time difference) and I just started chatting to this guy, well I thought he was German and he thought I was German until I explained that I was just in Frankfurt for a couple of hours, so he asked me where I was off to. I hate that question because it would be so much easier to say Australia or Thailand, people would just say “Oh I heard it’s lovely, you will have a great time” Not exactly the response you get with. “I know you probably won’t believe this but I’m going to Siberia” Anyway turns out he was from St Petersburg, moved to Germany 10 years ago and had even been to Novosibirsk when he was a kid! Fancy that! Nice guy- professional piano player, you don’t meet them every day and you feel like such a sell out to capitalism when they ask you what you studied- International Business (or how to make the rich richer and the poor poorer). My first day back I stayed with some friends so had to get the bus to work, traffic was terrible so the driver of our little minibus (marshrutka) just drove down the middle bit of the road (the bit where in other countries there is grass, in Russia it is just dusty it is a bit of an emergency extra lane -the Russian version of bus lanes. Anyway as it is in the middle people on the other side do the same thing so all I can say is that it was an adrenalin fuelled rush but not what you need at half 8 in the morning. Anyway that is all from me, still alive but the cold in not really that bad, beats that storm last week in Ireland anyway, so really I wont see rain hopefully until about March. Oh I think I told everyone this but I got the job with LKW Walter in Kufstein, Austria (an hour from Munich). So I will be living/working with Catherine (hope she likes me- how couldn’t you?) I start there on 17th of January just in time for perfect skiing- its about 20 mins from Kitzbuehl I think so expect me to reach for the E111 card when I break my leg. I’ll be in touch soon.

10th Week in Siberia

2004-09-06T01:35:00.000-07:00

I am really going to keep this one short, but you get bored at work and not having a native English speaker for probably a couple of hundred kilometres around makes you a bit chatty/ rambly when you write the emails. I’m doing it again, I’m sorry. I went to Omsk for the weekend. Omsk is the next city if you were heading west to Moscow. Has about 1.2 million people. There are 13 big cities in Russia like Omsk, Novosibirsk, Chita, Krasnoyarsk with over a million people but nobody outside of Russia has ever heard of them. It was an AIESEC FAST Seminar (I was worried too when I found out FAST meant “first action steps something or other” I don’t think I could ever face an AIESEC weekend after Ennis again. We got the Trans-Siberian railway there. The train station is the nicest place in Novosibirsk, built by Stalin and his mates, very impressive, puts Hueston to shame but then again you just walk out the main entrance and you realise the city spent every rouble it had on one building. And of course it being Russia, the one nice building in the city and you can’t take a photo of it or in it. I managed to get a few pictures on the sly though but the bitch in the photo shop will never develop my photos of the metro so she will probably not give me photos of the train station. Omsk anyway is the nearest city to Novosibirsk (a suburb really, only 700km away) so got on the Transsib at about 10:30 in the evening and arrived in Omsk at 8 in the morning. (We actually got on at 1.30 in the morning and arrived at 11 but once you go into a station everything changes to Moscow time, the time on the departure boards, tickets everything is in Moscow time which is 3 hours behind us, just Russian Railways making it easier to miss your train) I suppose it is necessary though in a country with 11 time zones. Now most foreigners when they go on the transsib go by first class, it is Russia after all so first class would not be that great. Some even go by second class, to feel what it is like to be a real Russian. Robbie gets dragged into 3rd CLASS. I did not even know 3rd class even existed anymore. When I found out I had visions of me sitting in a carriage with no roof or something but actually it was not so bad. Russian trains are wider than the ones in Europe so you get beds at right angles to the window on one side and beds parallel to the window on the other side. Quite cosy sleeping with 8 other people in about 3 meters x 2 meters. Anyway enough about that, Omsk is the exact same as Novosibirsk except they don’t have pavements, just dusty bits at the sides of the streets. They have their Lenin Square just like us, they have Red Prospect just like us, they have Soviet street just like us and Bolshevik street and they even have my street, 25 years of October Revolution street. Moscow and St Petersburg are the only places to have revised their street names. Nice enough weekend, drank just one smallish bottle of vodka and then we got the day train back to Novosibirsk. With less than 100 hours left for me in Russia and after avoiding a compulsory passport check for the last 11 weeks, guess what happened? Uh oh indeed. Despite having my passport, my invitation, my visa and my immigration card with me it was not enough to stop two guys from the MVD (Ministry of Internal Affairs- like the police but a little bit different but they also have guns and go around in army commando suits) deciding that it would be better to take me off the train at the next station to ascertain fully how an Irish guy who is registered in Ekaterinburg (half way to Moscow) managed to get on a train going to Novosibirsk that only started in Omsk. I am only allowed to go to 4 cities in Russia (Moscow, St Petersburg, Ekaterinburg and Novosibirsk - the rest of the place is out of bounds). In reality it’s only if you get caught that you have problems, like me. If you are a little bit confused at this stage look at a map of Russia. Anyway after my friend Yulya put on the top she was wearing at the party the night before and started to ask them what we could do in a way that only blond 18 year old Russian girls can ask they said that 4 bottles of beer would be enough to solve the problem. Bastards, but it was that or €70 fine. Anyway after that slight interruption to the journey I made it back to Novosibirsk. Better stop typing now! See you all (those at home) sometime next week and those that are away hope your all getting on grand. Robbie

9th Week in Siberia

2004-08-30T01:34:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, no news this week apart from the fact it is meant to SNOW at the weekend, I cant wait. Living in a Russian regional city can be a bit boring at times so any climate change is welcome. It has been about 4C all week and next week it should drop below 0, so at least I’ll get a little bit of winter. I booked my flights (you don’t know what a battle I had with a Russian bitch/witch in the Aeroflot office on Lenin Square) So I will be flying on the 8th of October to Moscow (hope the Chechens don’t get me) and then the next day I’ll fly to London and Dublin. So I get to spend a night in Moscow which will be great so I’ll be taking photos like there is no tomorrow (there may very well not be, its Aeroflot all the way to London) Monday the 11th of October I will be in the Embassy trying desperately to get myself a new visa (culture, multi-entry, 6 month validity) and explain how on earth I can be still learning about the culture after 3 months. But a piss up will be needed pretty soon thereafter. I don’t know about you lot in Ireland but I miss Solas so it will be there I hope. I will have special cheap Russian cigarettes with me so if you’re a smoker and are looking for a”1 pint =2 packs of fags deal” I’m your man. And before you say “Russian cigarettes, they must be bad for you” you are killing yourself anyway so a few extra mg’s of nicotine and other stuff wont make that much of a difference. As I write this I am wondering if we are having a minor earthquake, but my colleagues have not moved or expressed any emotions at all so I guess it is just me. I swear the ground is shaking, must be vodka aftershock!!!! Ha ha - get it vodka aftershock! (My jokes are so good- I know). Anyway no word from the company in Austria yet but you will know all about it if I get a job there, I’ll be so in the middle of everywhere, it would be great! Anyway better go and play solitaire. See you all soon!

8th Week in Siberia

2004-08-23T01:30:00.000-07:00

Well hello moto to everyone. I’m still here in Russia, alive (just about) and fairly ok. Weather is crap here, its like winter in Ireland, rainy. windy and about 8C, so I have started to wear my gloves in the morning. This is a bit of a bad sign as it is only the middle of September but when it starts to snow I will be happy. When it hits -20C I’ll let you know if I still like it! Anyway not very much news here. I am having huge difficulties in trying to extend my visa, which runs out on the 9th of October, so if something is not sorted out pretty soon I have to get my sorry little ass out of here. It’s not possible to do it in this city so I might have to go to Ekaterinenburg which is about a third of the way to Moscow. It is a bit scary to fly to I think so I might get the train. It would be an opportunity to go on the Trans Siberian for 2 days. Apparently if you are on the train for more than 3 days you get train legs. (Like sea legs but from a train) so I might go a bit loopy. Anyway I am trying to find out if it is possible to extend my visa there BEFORE I go there. There is little hope of that though so I will most likely be home on the 9th of October for about 3 weeks and will have to go through the whole getting-a-Russian-visa-nightmare again. The things I have to do just to stay here! Last nights news was a 20 minute speech by Vlad P. on how he thinks democracy is the source of all evil (i.e. terrorism) in Russia (and foreigners are to blame also) so in a shake up of the political system they will scrap direct elections and make it harder (I don’t know how they can make it any harder) to get into the country. Thank you very much. Anyway in case the whole country goes belly up and ends up like North Korea or somewhere like that, I’ve decided to not place all my eggs in the one geo-political basket so to speak. I’ve applied for a job in IBL Germans favourite Austrian company – LKW Walter, yes that firm that has employed about 30% of males in the German class might want me also (I hope) So I’d have to “work” with Paul Brogan which would be a bit of a laugh and Catherine might apply also, so I guess lots of work would get done and we could try and lose our beer bellies. Dream on. I hope I get it. I do like Russia but my job is a bit boring here, I would like to stay until January though, get a proper taste of winter. Last weekend was a bit of a piss up, I think some girls are starting to fall for me, it is either my incredible good looks or Irish citizenship they are after. You can decide which one. I was invited to an English class to talk to them. First of all the poor bastards here in college have classes on a Saturday, when I said to them get on to the Students Union about that they did not really grasp the context of students & rights. Anyway I nattered on for a good hour and a half about Ireland to a class of about 15. Strangely enough (or just conveniently arranged for me) they were all girls and most of them wanted my phone number after. “I’m sorry, I left it at home and I don’t remember my number” I think if your straight and are finding it difficult to find a wife who will just have sex with you, clean the house and cook whilst looking great, you should come to Russia and get a girl here. Some of the girls here are absolutely amazing looking and considering their standard of living they put a lot of effort into looking good. “You have number telephone Mr. Irish man?” “Me like you” If you like girls who wear skirts or just belts then this is the place for you. Anyway just in case you are all getting worried about me turning “normal” as you would all call it, some of the guys are ok as well, well a bit more than ok. You get a bit flushed sometimes. Let’s leave it at that. Where was I, last weekend drank half a litre of vodka Friday, don’t know how much on Saturday because it was Sergey’s birthday party. You are thinking which Sergey. So am I. I have 10 Sergeys in my phonebook. Anyway this one was introduced to me last week and we went out for dinner, we then went to the cinema and then had a few drinks and whoopsy daisy there he was beside me in the morning. Anyway either out of guilt or sympathy he invited me to his birthday party on Saturday. He rented a sauna club (which was scarily like a brothel inside) and “we make big celebration on day of birth” Anyway it was great fun, got well fed, then pissed and they took some strange photos, which could well end up on the internet. Enough said. The building site beside where I live is actually related to this Sergey. He is the project manager for the building of a new supermarket (supermarket, not minimarket, i.e. I can just pay for everything at the end and not pay ten different people at ten different counters) Anyway the last supermarket he built was Megas, the only western style supermarket here, so come opening day I’ll be banging down the doors. So Sunday I just flaked out on the sofa and watched crap Russian TV, it was crap until the Russian version of the Crystal Maze came on! It was sooo brilliant; it brought back such good memories. Except here instead of a big bald guy being the host they have a dwarf. Ah, when I come back to visit Ireland: It is so terrible that when I come back I can’t bring so much vodka and cigarettes with me (for resale naturally). I think I’m allowed to bring 2 litres of vodka and 200 cigarettes but I’m not sure. I have seen packets of cigarettes here for 8 roubles (about 20cent) so the profit margin is fantastic (Mark, I’m thinking of you) Anyway if I come home in October for 3 weeks to renew my visa I wont be able to go to graduation (I wish I could but I cant take 6 weeks off work or afford 2 return flights to Siberia within 2 months) So I’ll send a video that you can play- Me sitting on hotel balcony, overlooking tropical beach- “I’am so honoured to receive this degree, I am so sorry I can’t be there tonight with you but I’m working on a new project with Tom Cruise and Enrique Iglesias, I want to thank the crew of Solas, as well as all my co-stars, and of course God, thank you so much”. Well maybe not. Anyway, maybe I will have to do the whole finished kitchen role/bit of ribbon/dark bed sheet/square cardboard hat thing a la Blue Peter at home. Oh well. So that is about all the news I have, Do you know that I’ve been saving these emails in MS Word and I have written nearly 7000 words, I can sell it as a dissertation soon. Sorry to clog up your email accounts and take up you time, miss you all and see you soon, Robbie

7th Week in Siberia

2004-08-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

Hello, firstly in response to Hanno’s vicious attack on my skin tone, I have -as the only ibl gej(I think that’s how you say it in Russian) to uphold a number of stereotypes, being tanned is one of them. The others are my permanent good mode, intelligence, wit, impeccable fashion sense, generosity (especially in a sexual way) and of course modesty. Is Hanno still going out with the same guy from the Lebanon or has she found another one, either way she has been shish kebabed for a good few months so the Lebanese must do something right.

I had the most boring week in work so you can imagine my joy at receiving an email telling me not to come to work on Thursday because of cuts in the water supply, never have I been so glad that I am living in a second world (nearly a third world) country. It also coincided with the 5th birthday of one of the Irish Bars in the city (there are 3 in total) So I sent round a group email explaining that in order to get over the fact that work was cancelled we should go get pissed. Its been a while since I have been on a drink-as-much-beer-as-you-can-because-its-free night or a DAM-BAY-CBIF as its known to those of us in the AA* But as the ONLY Irish person there I was a bit of a special guest, so after couple focuil* about the motherland they had a quiz about Ireland (in Russian). Needless to say we swept the board with in-depth knowledge of Ireland (me) and the others ability to quickly translate into English (for me). Anyway about 5 in the morning I was stumbling back with more tourist tack attached to me then an American on Nassau St (or an English hen party going downmarket at O’Carrolls Souvenirs on Westmoreland Street) I’m thinking of selling it all for hard currency when I rename my apartment “O’Carrolls of Siberia” The price of Guinness was ridicules, €6, fortunately I hate the stuff and Siberian Crown is only about 1Euro so even if I have to pay I’ll be fine.

Oh yea, I forgot about our little version of September the 11th here. On the TV(its all state run) they said it might have been an accident, but I would not be walking around here with a “I love Chechenya” t-shirt, you never know, I might get beaten up! Anyway it was a bit sad really but I guess shit happens. We are fine here because we are so far away from anywhere you don’t get many terrorists arriving here (them being the impatient type) but in the university they require you to show your ID before you come in and they have signs up telling you what to do if there is a bomb. Apparently there is a rumour that the planes were shot down by the air force because they were getting close to nuclear power plants. Now that is a bit scary, but as there are only nuclear power plants in European Russia which is closer to you guys then it is to me all I can say is- it was nice knowing you. Actually I found out about the whole thing in a rather depressing way. I was looking at flights back to Novosibirsk for after graduation in November but on the website of Siberia Airlines there was just a black screen and a notice saying they were sorry for the loss of flight blab blab la… It does not really give you great confidence but its either flying or a few weeks on a train.

Oh I am getting so off the track, anyway I got pissed Wednesday night but then on Thursday it was somebody’s birthday, now to be honest I was not feeling the schwimmweste (the May West) but I said I’d drink a little beer, and then of course I just had 1 little shot of vodka and before you knew it I was locked again, in the supermarket, perusing the vodka section for larger bottles. I can see how the stuff is addictive. It is typical for Russians to drink a drink that tastes horrid, in a way that is designed to make you throw up, I think it’s the whole self punishment thing it must be good for the soul. So they are horrified that I actually put something in my vodka, like orange, but I have noticed a few of them are trying it so “Vody O” might be the next big thing in Russia. Anyway fell asleep on a sofa, somewhere, at about 5 in the morning and was still early for work the next day. (That’s what living in Germany for a year does to you) And that was just the middle of the week! I was dreading the weekend to be honest, its only when I have drank something can I actually bear the thought of vodka. Actually getting back to the vodka sections of the supermarkets- you know they way in Ireland the vodka section would not be that varied, not like the sweet counter for example. In Russian vice versa. 10 types of chocolate bar and millions of different types of vodka.

I did not do that much at the weekend, I am still trying to find a place to get my glasses fixed/replaced but it’s a bit of a slow process. On Saturday I went to a place called Botanicheskoe Lesnichetstvo (a bit of a mouthful, but it just means botanical forest) Quite nice because I believe I live in the dirtiest city in the world, dust and fumes absolutely everywhere, I guess Greenpeace have not managed to set up an office here. So any breaks to places with clean air are welcome, Yulya brought her gun so we were target practicing as well as taking photos. One guy there had a big rifle thing, I was a bit uneasy about this fact considering it was a warm day and the guy with the rifle was probably drinking beer so I kept ducking every time he shot something. In the evening we went to the river, had dinner in a restaurant called vielka loschka (roughly translates as the fork and spoon caf) and went to see the fountains. I know it does not exactly sound like an interesting thing to do on a Saturday night but its different here, they have speakers attached to the lampposts and the fountains are quite big (about 15 or 20 meters I think) and they are lit up.

So this week I will take a day off work and try and sneak into the German consulate. I have yet not found anyone who can tell me how to extend my visa without leaving the country. I can’t imagine I am the first foreigner in Novosibirsk who wanted to stay longer than they were originally allowed (then again, maybe not). Anyway I really hope the consulate might point me in the right direction, otherwise I’ll be home on the 9th of October - for good.

Anyway it is still warm here, it was about 27C at the weekend which was nice so I got a bit sunburnt but I think it wont stay warm for much longer, considering it was 8C earlier in August I guess it can change pretty quickly. As I made a huge withdrawal from my bank account before they start taking their money back I am determined to buy my Russian furry hat (shapka) by next weekend, at least I can wear it when I’m drinking and look like a stupid foreigner.

6th Week in Siberia

2004-08-09T02:30:00.000-07:00

Well its now the start of my 6th week in Siberia so I miss you all very much and am desperate for a good old piss up* at home (that does not mean I am not getting my recommended weekly alcohol intake here though). I am looking forward to coming home in November but I have to bribe someone to change my visa first so I can get back into Russia. I have had a bit of a tough week as some of you may know, I got my head kicked in on the way home from work, but I’m fine. Well last weekend I went to the circus, it was actually very good, I don’t think I’d been to the circus since I was about 6, so I had forgotten that funny smell of animal crap and high sugar content foods. They have their own circus building here, it looks like a circus tent but bigger and it won’t blow away. It was very impressive I have to say, first half was typical circus and second half was like Russian fairy tail, princess gets kidnapped by evil man, prince rescues her etc, lots of pyrotechnics and it only cost €2.

So on Monday I was walking to the gym after work (its on the way home). Actually now I think of it, it is ironic I was beaten up on the way to the gym, I’m sure if it was afterwards I would have been fine. So 3 guys, I guess they were pissed, started shouting at me in Russian, and I answer with my usual, Ya ne iz Rossii, ya ne gobaryu pa russkii, ya ne ponemayu, izvieniete. (I’m not from Russia, I don’t speak Russian, I don’t understand, sorry) So after replying to this I get a big punch in the face that signalled the end of my glasses, then of course, me being the woman I am, I fell down, so they could give me a good old kick in the head, stomach etc. So then they ran off, it probably only lasted about 30 seconds but it felt a bit longer. It was my first fight (well I guess I did not really fight back very much) in my life so I am quite proud I made it. So I stumbled into the gym, blood dripping everywhere and they got the security guard. Could anyone speak English? No, so trying to explain what happened in Russian was not too easy. I sent a text to Grig and he said he would walk me home. So there I was sitting down looking like shit when he comes along like Prince Charming to rescue me. So he walked me home, I was feeling miserable and trying to hold back the tears, and spitting out blood every few minutes (I thought they had knocked a tooth out but they missed) so I guess I was so wretched looking I made him leave the country. He has gone for two weeks to Bulgaria so if he applies for asylum I will never see him again-I hope he comes back.

So the loss of my glasses has made my life a bit more difficult here. I can still hold them up to my face if I really need to see something but they won’t really stay on my head. Actually it’s a bit like being pissed all the time since that’s usually the only time I take them off. Other side effects of the fight included not being able to open my mouth very far, my jaws are a bit funny and my right hand is sprained I think, so for a hungry wanker who cant see very well I came off pretty badly. I asked AIESEC about new glasses and they said it would not be a problem to get new ones, only about 300roubles (€9) but I am not sure, I know Russia is cheap , but a pair of glasses for 2 pints back home is a bit strange. I hope they did not mean those cheap ones you get in the newsagents for reading. Anyway trying to find an optician in the city with no glasses on my head will be no easy task.

Anyway the girl in AIESEC who looks after me, Yulya, got a gun the day I got beaten up, so she obviously thought I should get one as well, it is a bit expensive though, about €150, but on Wednesday we went to practice, I have never used one before but it was quite good fun, we shot out street lights. I felt this was bad as it was damage to public property, but she said they did not work anyway so it was ok. I was not going to argue with her as she was gesturing with a gun in hand and the safety lock was off. It is only a air gun I think- but you cant tell when you look at it.

I also needed a hair cut; Grig said he knew a guy who would do it at home but that he only spoke a little English. I should know by now that when people say about other people that they speak “a little English” it means “hello” and that is about all. So as most of you know from Erasmus year getting your hair cut in a different country for the first time is a little scary. So I met this guy who is about 21 and we walked home, him speaking Russian, me pretending to understand with a few “uh huh”s every so often. I got the gist of what he was saying, he showed me where his brother was killed and then we went to the supermarket to get some beer. I thought we might have a drink after the traumatic process of getting my hair cut by someone who I don’t have a clue about what they are saying. No no, let’s have a drink first. At this stage, as well as my hair being cut I though my ears might be getting some cosmetic surgery as well. But he was fine, so were my ears and he did not charge me (he said the first time was free I think). So in the end everything turned out well, and I’m not looking like a minger* so much. My black eye is nearly gone as well by now.

All over the place there are old grannies (babuschki) who sell vegetables for next to nothing. I had however not bought anything since I perceived there may be a slight communication problem on my behalf. But Wednesday I gave it a shot. All I wanted was 2 tomatoes and a cucumber. But they have scales which only start at 1kg so I ended up with a kilo of tomatoes, a kilo of cucumbers, two heads of lettuce and some flowers but it was ok because it cost nearly nothing, unfortunately I cant get through the vegetables so I gave some to my neighbour who was a bit confused as to why I was giving her food. I just rang her bell, she opened the door, I said “poshaluiste” (your welcome) and that was that.

So like I said Grig is off in Bulgaria, Varna, I think Irish people go there also. He kept on saying he was going to lose his virginity there. I don’t know what virginity he is talking about though; it most definitely is not the sex virginity anyway. Maybe Russians have a different view of what virginity is. I hope he comes back nice and tanned and maybe his hair will go a bit blonder as well. As a result of him being away my weekend was going to be a bit quiet so I texted AIESEC and said I was bored. So they invited me to there office to have a bit of a knees up. The university is located about 30km from the centre so they have their own town-Akademgorodok (Academic Town). It is very nice because it is all laid out nicely and there are loads of trees. It is the centre of science in Russia I think-Russian silicon valley and all that. Anyway it a bit strange because it is like a mix of students and mad scientists who live there. So we got some beer, drank it and I feel asleep in the office with another guy (nothing happened). I had brought all my dirty clothes with me because I don’t have a washing machine and laundrettes don’t exist here so I wash them normally by hand but because my hand is sprained I can’t. I thought it was only about 1 load of clothes so we left them in this guys apartment and his mother washed them (I felt bad giving all my dirty clothes to a stranger). Anyway halfway through the third load (I swear if I knew I had that much I would not have asked his mother to wash them for me) the washing machine broke down. I felt so bad, not only had I taken up this woman’s Saturday but I also broke her washing machine.

AIESEC in their wisdom had set me a task of playing the game “lost in the city.” On Friday, they had left 15 clues around the city with directions on how to get to the next one. They had written very nicely in English with colour felt tip pens. Friday was nice and dry so all these clues were hidden in various parts of the city. Saturday it rained, and rained and rained some more so when I got to the first clue all I found was a soggy piece of paper, the only words I could make out were “go” and “find.” I knew this was going to be a tough day. I am reasonably good at finding my way around so instead of calling off the whole thing (which by all accounts took about a week to put in place) I said I would stick it out and rely on text message. Unfortunately the girl who was giving me directions by text would not have found a tree in a forest let alone explain to someone else how to find a small piece of paper on the other side of the city. So along the way they had left little packets in peoples homes, or ice cream shops or bars or under rocks beside statues etc. 6 hours later I was still “playing” the “game” Considering I had gotten beaten up at the start of the week I was a little uneasy at wondering around the suburbs of Novosibirsk at about 8pm on a Saturday night. Some of the places where they put some of the clues were very stupid. In the middle of round-a-bouts etc so even if I made it there alive I still had to get back to the footpath through about 100 Ladas flying along at about 50 miles an hour. When I made it to the last stop (in Akademgorodok) there they all were waiting for me (Masha, Pasha, Ljesha, Metjaj, Lara, Renate) with a bottle of vodka, I nearly cried. There was one person missing- the girl who “organised” my clues and had given me “directions” by text. I would not have been there either had I made such a cock up of the whole thing.

The bottle of vodka they has bought (being students) was only a half litre, which although very nice did not last very long so I found myself in the supermarket being tempted by a 5 (yes five) litre bottle of vodka for about €20. You know those big big bottles of water you can get in the supermarket, the ones with handles on them to carry; well that gives you an idea of the size. However we just went for 2 one litre bottles and I bought a dark chocolate Twix- very nice. So got absolutely rat arsed, snogged an Aiesecer (Pasha-male for a change! good looking but slightly irritating) and went to bed at 6 but got up at 7 to get a bus home to my nice bed and to eat. Anyway that is all the news I have so I hope your all keeping well, working hard at your jobs (or finding them) and enjoying yourselves. See you all in November apart from you Grig, I expect you back here in 2 weeks. In case you are wondering why a Russian gets sent these emails also it is because he wants to receive an insight into the life of a foreigner in Russia- fanfuckingtastic is what I say, I still like it despite all my troubles!

PS if anyone can explain to me why there are so many Dunnes Stores carrier bags here (you know the reusable ones that have pictures of apples on them and “Dunnes Stores-Better Value”)? On Sunday I saw 4 different people with Dunnes Stores bags, what is that all about, have they secretly expanded to Siberia?